we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
