My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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