All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
