great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
