Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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