His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
