apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
