someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
