What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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