I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
