Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
