you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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