its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Terrible idea I love it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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