Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Michael Bay diarrhea
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
