Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
