i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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