Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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