i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
