I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
