so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
