My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
