Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
