I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
