when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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