i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
