I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
