I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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