You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
