best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
