apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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