You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
