I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
