They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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