Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
