it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
