so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
