No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
