Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Boobs are out for the taking
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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