party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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