Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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