2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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