i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
