Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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