i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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