I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
