Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
