there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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