Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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