Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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