The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
