I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
