I met the friendliest cop last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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