Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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