Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
