I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
