You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
